Here’s A Pep Talk

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Here’s A Pep Talk

My friend, John, has encouraged me to blog during this unusual time. “Every day,” he says. Frankly, I haven’t had the space. But today, Wednesday, April 1st, one week since 20/20 announced my story “Former CFO on Food Stamps After Controversial Viral Video About Chick-Fil-A”, today I am feeling emotional, raw, like reliving the whole thing over again.

When I posted my now infamous video on YouTube on August 1, 2012 to show my support for the gay community, I was so excited about this first public stand that I forgot who I was. I forgot my manners, dignity and judgment. I have paid, dearly and I mean dearly, for this lapse in judgment. Enough to write a book about it, because those following years were dark. I mean deep, deep dark.

I shamed myself as often as my mind would let me. Every time I had to say “no” to one of the kids asking for a something special to buy, I shamed myself…my fault. Every time one of the kids fell into my arms because they missed their friends from Tucson, I shamed myself…my fault. Every time my wife asked to go on a nice date and our budget said, “no”, I shamed myself…my fault. I became a professional shamer of Adam. I thought he deserved it, like those haters said and are now saying again.

Even on days I felt a little stronger, I could spiral quickly if I came across an old picture of us in our custom home where our babies were born and our children were adopted. It was a posh life, a life that I knew was lucky. Sure, we had worked hard to get there, but so do a lot of people and most did not have what we had in terms of material things. We had financial safety, something that I thought would keep me safe from the adults that hurt me when I was young.

Eventually, and I mean eventually, I began to see the silver lining in the loss. Frankly, there was no other choice. I could see that bitterness and self-shaming was a choice I could choose for the rest of my life. That didn’t sound like the love I know I am, but the road to see this was winding, upward and scary. Basically, I’ve had to reset everything that I thought was valuable to me. As I talk about in the book, it was grueling, but eventually it was absolutely liberating.

So, the net is that I am grateful, grateful for the pain, but sometimes I slip back into wishing things were quieter, that people didn’t lash out at the man they think they know. Sometimes, I miss my bubble. Today, I just miss it. Today, I wish I was a nobody and that those haters would turn their attention elsewhere and not toward the book that I poured my soul into.

Today, I just feel a little weak. But, I’ve been here before. Truly, I’ve been much, much darker, and I’ve risen above it. So, I’m just going to give myself a little pep talk right now…

“Adam, dear, I hear you. I love you. You are the Light, the Light that shown through much darker moments than you feel right now. The darkness eventually lifted. You remember the day. You remember the moment. It lifted because you let go of the bitterness because it didn’t serve you. The bitterness simply hid the light that others feel when you are around. Adam, dear, go snuggle with one of those beautiful boys. They need you to keep pushing through. They need you to keep breathing and knowing that this moment is simply a darker one than you want to have right now. And, it will pass. And, until it does, just keep breathing, dear.”
And now I am going to go snuggle with love. God, I am so lucky! Truly.
Thanks for the talk, Adam

The graph (below) I made this morning to show how many 1-star ratings the book has received, all of which have not purchased the book. The bullies don’t let up…but neither will I. I’m proud of this book. It’s chock full of love, and love transforms everything, even hate, into love.

1-Star Ratings

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